Life is too short to worry about your weight...So why am I doing it?

It was my birthday last month (18).....
And I should be probably worrying about school,friends,boys and stuff..So why am I so obsess with how much I weigh or what body shape do I have. Ican say I'm recoved from anorexia (thanks god) but anyways,I think there will be always part of me,that will wish to be as skinny as I used to...
Sometimes I really miss the body I had...But I don't miss how much I hated myself,and I don't miss the fact I didn't eat anything....I also don't miss the tiredness...and those inner voices...
I'm actally glad I'm recovered...But those pics with happy healthy people who looks like greek gods and goddess don't make me really happy,because I'm trying really hard to look like them,but I think I can't do it....Nothing works on me,

I tried lot of things,and I still do.....I workout 6x per week,I eat heathly and enough,so my body is not tired anymore,but I can't see any muscles..I know they are somewhere there,I just can't see it thru the fat I do have on my belly...But everybody says I look fine.....But,do you know the feeling when somebody is telling you you are okay,fine,you look great,and another bullshit,but you still feel like the ugliest person ever? I do....

I still have those days when I feel okay with my body,and then those days when I do not....
My parents what the best for me,so they are buying me all the food I want to eat (sometimes it really expensive,and I feel embaressed...) Why can't I be the old good me,before all my life started to be hell?

I swear it is better now,and I'm really glad I'm not so skinny anymore but,I'm sad a little that I can't have body I want...Everything was hard for me exspecially the last school year...Now it is better a little but I still have some problems,and plus I do some healthy problems with my stomach and digestive tract, and gall-bladder oh and liver,so I'm pretty screwed up....There are lots of problems I have but those are some of the bigiest one.....

I gained a little more weight,and the reason is maybe the fact I have those problems,but I can say I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin,and I didnt felt like this for such a long time....


I have no idea why I wrote this...I just needed to let it out....

I know staving myself is bad for me,just like overeating. And I also know there are people who are "bigger" than me and I should be probably happy for how I looks and stuff,but when I look at all these pics from wehearit,or tumblr,or instagram and I see all those pretty thin,skinny,toned girls I feel bad,because I do not look like them even when I eat clean so I break down and think "you are fat anyway so you can eat what you want." And when I start with eating I can't stop. This is happening lot of times few last weeks. And I'm really afraid I will never have the body I want. I don't that much I just don't want that disgusting belly. And all the fat around it,and around my hips and legs and arms and cheeks..EVERYWHERE. Mirror is my enemy again,but the worst enemy of mine is ME. I'm the one who can't contorl the portion of meals. I'm the one who keep looking into the mirror and I'm the one who hate myself most. I'm dangerous for myself. And I'm breaking down. I'm on the bottom again. And there is no one who could help me. And I'm scared I could lose this battle this time. I'm strong but not this much. Everyone kept saying just hold on,it will get better. And you know what? It didn't I just used on the pain,and feeling of not being good enough,on being overweight,on being ugly,on not have friends,on not have anyone. It was my fault that everyone around me left me,I showed the the real me,and I wasn't what they wanted.

I'm sure I'm starign to be depressed again.
I need to find balance. I need to understand it is not good for me to overeat myself.
I need to understand it is not good starving myself.
I neet to find peace.
But I'm afraid I will go from one extreme to another one.
And I'm afraid I will have my old anorextic thoughts,which I already have,but they aren't so strong as they used to. But as I said I want to bring the voice from my head back to life.And it really want to live,it takes controle of my again.... I just need to know its power. So I will be the one who controls everything this time.

TRIGGER. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR BODY.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS OKAY?!

Okay you know what I'm giving up. It's over.
I tried everything to built my muscles but it didn't work, But te worse part is I'm starting to be depressed again. I'm listening to sad songs I used to listen. I barely eat. I do a lot of workouts. I spend my nights crying myself to sleep. I barely leave my room. I stared to hate my body. And my parents didn't even noticed. They don't care. And my brother keep saying how he loose weight even when he eat for 8 times a day. and the fact he weight is lower just about 15-20 kg from mine is scaring me. So I really want my body back. And right now I do not care how I looked because I loved those peoples when they looked at me and saw how skinny I was. It was the first time when I was proud of myself. I made something I really wanted- I was really proud. And now? I barely can control myself when I'm eating,I mean there are times when I don't eat. And then there are days when I can't stop eating. So from today I'm goning back to time. and I'm wondering when do my parents realize I'm changing again. I'm looking at those my old pics and I had pretty flat stomach and thighs gap. And I want them back. So hard work will pay off,I hope so. Becasue these all food I'm eating nowadays just makes me bigger and bigger. And everyone around me already noticed it. So I want to hear "OMG YOU LOOKS SO SKINNY" again. I know there is something wrong with me. I know it. But I want it to be this way. Everyone is dealing with their own problems. So this is my problem I guess.
And right now all those "all size are beautiful. You don't have to be skinny to be pretty" and all other shits like these aren't working for me. So I will bring that voice from my head back to life. And this time we will be best friends who try to kill each other. I'm sorry for this articel,but I don't know what to do with myself I hate how big my lower belly is,and how my thighs are touching. I want back my 55cm big waist and that nice gap between my legs.....But I do not want all that negativity...I don't know how I could think I was fat I was perfect........

I still can't get over it

It's almost end of summer and I didn't change anything.
I had 2 months and I wanted to toned my body,but nothing changed even thought I workout and keep eat healthy.
And...yea I do feel fine,but time to time I eat more than I should,and I'm scared I'm emocial eater or overeater,because sometimes I can't control myself,and I read some articles about it,and I'm just scared,because when it comes to food I starved myself for a long times,and now I'm eating again and sometimes I have those attacks when I can't control myseilf,and I weighted myself this morning and I gained about 1-2kg,I know it's not much but for person as I'm it is a lot.

I was battling with anorexia,and I don't want to fight with overeating,or any other E.D.

Models are so skinny that photoshop editors have to make them larger

I'm asking you IS THIS MORMALS?

I don't think so.
Just look at her.
It's all because of media,they are changing us,and we don't even realise that.
and pics like this aren't normal. I'm sure she doesn't eat as much as she should do. Adults persons should eat about 2000 calories per day. I don't think she does that.
There is somethig bad about todays media,I said it a lot of time,but media are really bad for us,and for what are we doing.I can't believe how much they have to change her to look like normal woman, I can count every bone in her body,and that's not right. I was also looking at some models from 20-50s and the change in body size is breathtaking.(in wrong way)

these pics are from 30-40s and they waists of models started to be thinner and thinner.

Donţ try to look like a supermodel on cover of the magazine,even supermodel doesn't look like supermodel

I want to talk about magazine once again.

Because when was the last time you bought magazine,opend up your browser and saw the same body shape that looks like yours?

Even models you see on the cover of magazines are the models you see,media wants us to buy those magazine so they could make money easier,and they don't think about how the can control our lifes,but as you can see on the pictures below even the most beautiful models aren't so beautiful without make up or photo editors


When was the last time you felt comfortable in your skin?
When was the last time you didn't compare yourself with somebody else?


Media wants us to become somebody we are not.They are showing us bodies and faces that aren't real. They don't care about how bad it is for young girls,or even kids and boys.
Everywhere I look I see "diet" "loose weight" "how become skinny" "stop eating" "our diet really works" "you can loose x pounds in one week" etc. and these articles are rally triggering I think. For me,person who had (have) an eating disorder it is really trigger,because there are days when I think myself "why is everybody loosing weight,but me?" Bit the fact is I don't need to loose any more weight,but those pictures makes me feel bad about myself and my body. Like when I look at my belly I wish I could have that pretty tiny waist as models do.
But why should something like TV and magazines rules my life,why should they tell me what is good for me and what isn't? I know what is the best for it. Because I know my body better than them.

And I would really love if I saw some plus size models on billboards,on the TV,magazines. I would like to read magazine and saw something like "Yes I'm overweigt but I love who I'm,and I won't change it" I would like to read something else than "how to loose weight in one week"
I know,some of articels may be good for us if we want to live healthy ,it's okay,I get it,but starving yourself isn't answer for anything. Actually it's really bad for your body.

Nobody should tell us how to live our lifes.

and there are some facts about body shape

DO NOT TRY TO HAVE AN EATONG DISORDER. IT IS NOT RIGHT

Eating disorder (little piece still is,I think) used to be part of my past ,and I don't want it back in my life.


Okay,so I just wanted to say this..I saw a lot of pro ana accounts followed me on instagram,and I don't even have personal account,so I wanted to tell you it is nothing you would wanted in your life,it will ruin you,your life,family,everything and everyone around you,your mind will be your worst enemy,and every day will be about hating yourself,you will just think about all the food you can't eat,about how much you have to exercise and stuff like this,you will by lifeless,you will be tired.I was like that too,last summer before my recovery started,I can't remember last summer! I was so tired,I couldn't even move I just slept all day,then something told me I have to move so I started workout and I didn't know how to stop,so I worked out till I didn't fall on the floor,I ate just an apple a day,I was mentally sick,I was depressed,and mean...I was skin and bone,and I still thought I'm fat...Why would you want something like this in your life? You can loose weight if you want,just keep it in heathly way,eat,sleep,take care of yourself,don't loose control of your mind.

OMG

Okay,I want to write something personal today. So it was normal morning,I woke up,and I was home alone,so I did some HIIT workout,but after that my mom called me and she told me my brother come with them,and with our dog (he doesn't live with us anymore) And I thought great,I can bake some pies,muffins and a lot of other sweets because I know how much they love it (actually I'm the only one from our whole family who don't eat anything that comes from animals,and also  I don't eat anything sweet,or junk,I'm a little black sheep as my brother use calling me) But the "bad thing" came after lunch,my brother told me he wants to go run,and I was oh okay,no problem I like running. But it was so f*cking hard,like how can my brother run so fast? We were running like for 2 hours,or even more,and I was dying..and I still can't feel my legs,but it was also good,because we were talking about a lot of things,and he have no idea,but I love these our little talks,it means a lot to me,and I'm glad I have him...And he wants me to go run with him even tomorrow,and I really I want to go. Because I came out of my comfort zone today,and it felt so good,and I want to become better at running,because I don't run every single day, I workout with weight,and pilates,and yoga a lot like 6x per week,but I run just for 1-3 days a month and I want to change it....Today I ate a lot,so that run was good way how to burn it of,but I don't feel guilty after a long time :) And I didn't care that I don't have six pack or pretty abs on my belly etc. I accepted I don't have size 2 or 0 and the fact I don't like a supermodel,because even supermodels don't look like a supermodels ;) not everyhing you see have to be the truth..

Nothing to write about

I wish I was an active blogger,but honestly I have no idea what to write about..I have too much thoughts on my mind,but I don't know how to put them down on the paper....My holidays aren't the best,and I'm not doing anything special,most of days I'm home alone,with my dog,and all days are the same,Icook for myself,I'mdoing house work,I for walk with dog,do some workout, I clean up house,and the again cook something,and my dad and mom come back from work (about 5-6pm) and then I do workout again,and have a shower,watch some movie with them and then I go to sleep,I'm bored of this life...I wish I had more money so I could spend my holidys traveling around the world,there are places I would love to visit.. Every year I tell myself THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT. But It is a lie and nothing ever change...
But I think,maybe if I wasn't so scared of unknowing my free time would be much diffenrt,and now I'm thining about spend some of my days in my brother flat,because he lives in the city,and I want to meet one boy who is living there too,but we've never saw each other,we're just chatting..but he is cute....and I think he is really nice,but I'm scared he wouldn't like me...

Feeling huge....

Okay...I already wrote about those bad days,well,today is one of those bad days of mine again...
I,I think,no I know I ate too much today,and I couldn't know how to stop,I mean,breakfast was okay,but then,OMG nightmare,I don't want to be one of those "Pro ana".blogs,and I will never come back to this point,NEVER EVER in my life,it was worst time of my life! I don't get it why people want this illness in their life...It is nothing good,and I will never be fully healthy...
But I want to talk about my day a little,well few last days my tummy hurt so bad I couldn't eat almost anything I ate just those bread cracer
It looks like this,and I haven't eaten these things for ages,and I'm scared because my mom wants me to eat it everyday,but I lost my abs,my belly is one huge pack,I'm pretty upset,because I don't know what to do,I think I wouldn't take it so serious if it was wholemeal,but it was from normal flour,and that scare me a little. My panic attack isn't so big as it used to be,and guilt feeling isn't big too,but anyways I want my pretty flat stomach back,I may take those tummy,muscles stuff too serious,but I was fatass for so long,and then I was skin and bones...I went from one extrem to another one,and now I'm trying to keep my weight,to be healthy,to have muscles,and just be happy with myself,but I think I will take a little while to me to feel comfortable in my own skin,It is like a roller coaster once you are high and then you are down,and my feeling are the same,there are days when I'm one big sun,I'm smiling at everyone,I'm happy,and I don't really care about how I look,I feel good,but then rhere are days like this one (or even worse) and I'm angry and mean and I want to shot everyone to their head becasue I think they are laughing at me how worhless I'm,and how fat,and fat I'm. I know it is somethig unreal for someone,but I just feel it this way...I was thinking today that I won't eat tomorrow becasue I ate too much today,and I don't really know,I know I shouldn't do it,but my tummy hurts again after today,so I don't want  to feel the pain I felt...So yup I won't probably eat tomorrow....And I'm sorry for not being interesting....

And I'm sorry for not being here for a little while....But I didn't feel well...I still don't...but anyways I hope one day I will have body I want...


See you soon guys

Languages

I want to say sorry for my bad english,I know I'm not really good at it,but I'm trying my best.
I will do more tests,more exercise,I'll learn more words,and  awear to you I will get better,and I will improve my english skills. Just have faith in me

Body image and the media

I would love to write something about how  the media can change your Over the past few days, i must admit, i havent felt so good in my body. Ive felt uncomfortable, and not really liking what i saw in the mirror. And everywhen I look I see just "diet" "loose weight fast" "skinny is good" or so,I see those models,reporters,singers,actresses...and I hear the same words in radios too.. I think is bad..
I don't feel comfortable when I hear people around me talking about diet,and how fat they are (when in fact they are thin,and they don't need to change anything)
These medias can change our thinking about our bodies..
Everything with nowadays and media is just wrong...You see? 
Where is the time when Marylin Monroe was synonym of beauty? 
Where is the time when it was okay to be overweight?
Where is the time when no one cares about how your body looks.
I'm asking these questions too often...
I'm really sad to see those girls how they try to have an E.D. likegirls don't be stupid why would you want it? It't living hell,I can tell by myself...

End of school...2 months of holidays...

Well,I was thinking a lot about what should I write today. Well,do you remeber when I was talking about my bad days? So today is one of thoses days....And I'm really critical about myself,about how my body looks,and how my face looks today.. My minds is my worst enemy right now... I feel huge...I KNOW I shouldn' t take it so serious,but I can't help myslef...And I don't know what to do...I do exercise,and eat clean,healthy....but I can't see any change....Everyone around me is in perfect shape,and I feel like I'm doing something wrong...I know there are more importaint things than how much I weight,or how my belly looks like...But Ijust can't help myself...And I'm sorry I always end up thinking about the worst things....I really wish to be a little baby again,no one care about your weight,you ate whatever you wanted to eat. Everyone was your friend. You didn't care about anything and the worst thing that could happend was when your mom forgot to kiss you goodnight or when you didn't watch yor fave fairy tale...I think we all want to grow up so fast that we don't realize what we have right now...We want to be like our older sister or brother,we want to be adults as our parents...But when we are 5 we don't have to care about reality...I miss these old days...I miss everything about being a liitle kid,and to be honest I have no idea what I will do during these 2 months..I want to get in shape finally,I want to start running everyday,no just when there is time or so,I really want to wake up in the morning and go run...I want to lose that belly fat,and have no fat rolls again,and when shool start again I want everyone to day,"OMG you look so good." or something like that..

love yourself

 

 

Don't forget how far you have come

Guys please take care of yourself. Eat,sleep.smile,do anything you want. Just for one day,do whatever you want. Stop thinking about what you people think about you...For one day,be just yourself....Forget everything bad that happened...
I used to spent whole day worrying what people think about me,I used to just sit and listening to music when I was in public,I almost fotgot how to smile,and be happy...I didn't eat,I didn't sleep.I didn't smile...I stoped to be myself,I almost died...But I started to recovery...And there is nothing better you can do for yourself,...
Now I'm almost mentaly healthy and everything is alright,I'm smiling,and happy with myslef...And I like myslef again...I would lie if I tell you I'm 100% okay,and everything is good... Because,well there are bad day too....And I HATE those days,because I'm angry,bad,upset....And I'm mean....And I hurt people around me,I mean,when I have one of those days I say the things I really don't mean...So please,please just take care of yourself,don't try to be depressed,anorextic or any other E.D. becasue it is ILLNESS not trend,and I can tell you I'll ruin your life,you can even imagine how...
my journey isn't over,I'm only half way.....
And if you're fighting your inner demons please,go here: http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/

She helped me a lot,I'm so glad I found out about her... And if youre asking if I have an eating disorder,the answer is Yes,I had (have) ED...I'm recovering from anorexia nevrosa,but I think I can tell I'm half recovered and I'm happy with myself again,so for everyone out there you can make it,you can be yourself again...I used to have depression,anxiety,panic attacks,anorexia for such a long time,but my parents,and doctors helped me...So please let your parents,doctors,friends etc. help you  too,they care about you so much...And they love you just the way you are,they don't care how you look like,they love you because you are you,you are original,perfect little piece of this world,and the world wouldn't be the same without you...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,IMPORTANT,PERFECT....