Feeling huge....

Okay...I already wrote about those bad days,well,today is one of those bad days of mine again...
I,I think,no I know I ate too much today,and I couldn't know how to stop,I mean,breakfast was okay,but then,OMG nightmare,I don't want to be one of those "Pro ana".blogs,and I will never come back to this point,NEVER EVER in my life,it was worst time of my life! I don't get it why people want this illness in their life...It is nothing good,and I will never be fully healthy...
But I want to talk about my day a little,well few last days my tummy hurt so bad I couldn't eat almost anything I ate just those bread cracer
It looks like this,and I haven't eaten these things for ages,and I'm scared because my mom wants me to eat it everyday,but I lost my abs,my belly is one huge pack,I'm pretty upset,because I don't know what to do,I think I wouldn't take it so serious if it was wholemeal,but it was from normal flour,and that scare me a little. My panic attack isn't so big as it used to be,and guilt feeling isn't big too,but anyways I want my pretty flat stomach back,I may take those tummy,muscles stuff too serious,but I was fatass for so long,and then I was skin and bones...I went from one extrem to another one,and now I'm trying to keep my weight,to be healthy,to have muscles,and just be happy with myself,but I think I will take a little while to me to feel comfortable in my own skin,It is like a roller coaster once you are high and then you are down,and my feeling are the same,there are days when I'm one big sun,I'm smiling at everyone,I'm happy,and I don't really care about how I look,I feel good,but then rhere are days like this one (or even worse) and I'm angry and mean and I want to shot everyone to their head becasue I think they are laughing at me how worhless I'm,and how fat,and fat I'm. I know it is somethig unreal for someone,but I just feel it this way...I was thinking today that I won't eat tomorrow becasue I ate too much today,and I don't really know,I know I shouldn't do it,but my tummy hurts again after today,so I don't want  to feel the pain I felt...So yup I won't probably eat tomorrow....And I'm sorry for not being interesting....

And I'm sorry for not being here for a little while....But I didn't feel well...I still don't...but anyways I hope one day I will have body I want...


See you soon guys