I know staving myself is bad for me,just like overeating. And I also know there are people who are "bigger" than me and I should be probably happy for how I looks and stuff,but when I look at all these pics from wehearit,or tumblr,or instagram and I see all those pretty thin,skinny,toned girls I feel bad,because I do not look like them even when I eat clean so I break down and think "you are fat anyway so you can eat what you want." And when I start with eating I can't stop. This is happening lot of times few last weeks. And I'm really afraid I will never have the body I want. I don't that much I just don't want that disgusting belly. And all the fat around it,and around my hips and legs and arms and cheeks..EVERYWHERE. Mirror is my enemy again,but the worst enemy of mine is ME. I'm the one who can't contorl the portion of meals. I'm the one who keep looking into the mirror and I'm the one who hate myself most. I'm dangerous for myself. And I'm breaking down. I'm on the bottom again. And there is no one who could help me. And I'm scared I could lose this battle this time. I'm strong but not this much. Everyone kept saying just hold on,it will get better. And you know what? It didn't I just used on the pain,and feeling of not being good enough,on being overweight,on being ugly,on not have friends,on not have anyone. It was my fault that everyone around me left me,I showed the the real me,and I wasn't what they wanted.

I'm sure I'm starign to be depressed again.
I need to find balance. I need to understand it is not good for me to overeat myself.
I need to understand it is not good starving myself.
I neet to find peace.
But I'm afraid I will go from one extreme to another one.
And I'm afraid I will have my old anorextic thoughts,which I already have,but they aren't so strong as they used to. But as I said I want to bring the voice from my head back to life.And it really want to live,it takes controle of my again.... I just need to know its power. So I will be the one who controls everything this time.