DO NOT TRY TO HAVE AN EATONG DISORDER. IT IS NOT RIGHT

Eating disorder (little piece still is,I think) used to be part of my past ,and I don't want it back in my life.


Okay,so I just wanted to say this..I saw a lot of pro ana accounts followed me on instagram,and I don't even have personal account,so I wanted to tell you it is nothing you would wanted in your life,it will ruin you,your life,family,everything and everyone around you,your mind will be your worst enemy,and every day will be about hating yourself,you will just think about all the food you can't eat,about how much you have to exercise and stuff like this,you will by lifeless,you will be tired.I was like that too,last summer before my recovery started,I can't remember last summer! I was so tired,I couldn't even move I just slept all day,then something told me I have to move so I started workout and I didn't know how to stop,so I worked out till I didn't fall on the floor,I ate just an apple a day,I was mentally sick,I was depressed,and mean...I was skin and bone,and I still thought I'm fat...Why would you want something like this in your life? You can loose weight if you want,just keep it in heathly way,eat,sleep,take care of yourself,don't loose control of your mind.

OMG

Okay,I want to write something personal today. So it was normal morning,I woke up,and I was home alone,so I did some HIIT workout,but after that my mom called me and she told me my brother come with them,and with our dog (he doesn't live with us anymore) And I thought great,I can bake some pies,muffins and a lot of other sweets because I know how much they love it (actually I'm the only one from our whole family who don't eat anything that comes from animals,and also  I don't eat anything sweet,or junk,I'm a little black sheep as my brother use calling me) But the "bad thing" came after lunch,my brother told me he wants to go run,and I was oh okay,no problem I like running. But it was so f*cking hard,like how can my brother run so fast? We were running like for 2 hours,or even more,and I was dying..and I still can't feel my legs,but it was also good,because we were talking about a lot of things,and he have no idea,but I love these our little talks,it means a lot to me,and I'm glad I have him...And he wants me to go run with him even tomorrow,and I really I want to go. Because I came out of my comfort zone today,and it felt so good,and I want to become better at running,because I don't run every single day, I workout with weight,and pilates,and yoga a lot like 6x per week,but I run just for 1-3 days a month and I want to change it....Today I ate a lot,so that run was good way how to burn it of,but I don't feel guilty after a long time :) And I didn't care that I don't have six pack or pretty abs on my belly etc. I accepted I don't have size 2 or 0 and the fact I don't like a supermodel,because even supermodels don't look like a supermodels ;) not everyhing you see have to be the truth..

Nothing to write about

I wish I was an active blogger,but honestly I have no idea what to write about..I have too much thoughts on my mind,but I don't know how to put them down on the paper....My holidays aren't the best,and I'm not doing anything special,most of days I'm home alone,with my dog,and all days are the same,Icook for myself,I'mdoing house work,I for walk with dog,do some workout, I clean up house,and the again cook something,and my dad and mom come back from work (about 5-6pm) and then I do workout again,and have a shower,watch some movie with them and then I go to sleep,I'm bored of this life...I wish I had more money so I could spend my holidys traveling around the world,there are places I would love to visit.. Every year I tell myself THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT. But It is a lie and nothing ever change...
But I think,maybe if I wasn't so scared of unknowing my free time would be much diffenrt,and now I'm thining about spend some of my days in my brother flat,because he lives in the city,and I want to meet one boy who is living there too,but we've never saw each other,we're just chatting..but he is cute....and I think he is really nice,but I'm scared he wouldn't like me...

Feeling huge....

Okay...I already wrote about those bad days,well,today is one of those bad days of mine again...
I,I think,no I know I ate too much today,and I couldn't know how to stop,I mean,breakfast was okay,but then,OMG nightmare,I don't want to be one of those "Pro ana".blogs,and I will never come back to this point,NEVER EVER in my life,it was worst time of my life! I don't get it why people want this illness in their life...It is nothing good,and I will never be fully healthy...
But I want to talk about my day a little,well few last days my tummy hurt so bad I couldn't eat almost anything I ate just those bread cracer
It looks like this,and I haven't eaten these things for ages,and I'm scared because my mom wants me to eat it everyday,but I lost my abs,my belly is one huge pack,I'm pretty upset,because I don't know what to do,I think I wouldn't take it so serious if it was wholemeal,but it was from normal flour,and that scare me a little. My panic attack isn't so big as it used to be,and guilt feeling isn't big too,but anyways I want my pretty flat stomach back,I may take those tummy,muscles stuff too serious,but I was fatass for so long,and then I was skin and bones...I went from one extrem to another one,and now I'm trying to keep my weight,to be healthy,to have muscles,and just be happy with myself,but I think I will take a little while to me to feel comfortable in my own skin,It is like a roller coaster once you are high and then you are down,and my feeling are the same,there are days when I'm one big sun,I'm smiling at everyone,I'm happy,and I don't really care about how I look,I feel good,but then rhere are days like this one (or even worse) and I'm angry and mean and I want to shot everyone to their head becasue I think they are laughing at me how worhless I'm,and how fat,and fat I'm. I know it is somethig unreal for someone,but I just feel it this way...I was thinking today that I won't eat tomorrow becasue I ate too much today,and I don't really know,I know I shouldn't do it,but my tummy hurts again after today,so I don't want  to feel the pain I felt...So yup I won't probably eat tomorrow....And I'm sorry for not being interesting....

And I'm sorry for not being here for a little while....But I didn't feel well...I still don't...but anyways I hope one day I will have body I want...


See you soon guys