DO NOT TRY TO HAVE AN EATONG DISORDER. IT IS NOT RIGHT

Eating disorder (little piece still is,I think) used to be part of my past ,and I don't want it back in my life.


Okay,so I just wanted to say this..I saw a lot of pro ana accounts followed me on instagram,and I don't even have personal account,so I wanted to tell you it is nothing you would wanted in your life,it will ruin you,your life,family,everything and everyone around you,your mind will be your worst enemy,and every day will be about hating yourself,you will just think about all the food you can't eat,about how much you have to exercise and stuff like this,you will by lifeless,you will be tired.I was like that too,last summer before my recovery started,I can't remember last summer! I was so tired,I couldn't even move I just slept all day,then something told me I have to move so I started workout and I didn't know how to stop,so I worked out till I didn't fall on the floor,I ate just an apple a day,I was mentally sick,I was depressed,and mean...I was skin and bone,and I still thought I'm fat...Why would you want something like this in your life? You can loose weight if you want,just keep it in heathly way,eat,sleep,take care of yourself,don't loose control of your mind.

OMG

Okay,I want to write something personal today. So it was normal morning,I woke up,and I was home alone,so I did some HIIT workout,but after that my mom called me and she told me my brother come with them,and with our dog (he doesn't live with us anymore) And I thought great,I can bake some pies,muffins and a lot of other sweets because I know how much they love it (actually I'm the only one from our whole family who don't eat anything that comes from animals,and also  I don't eat anything sweet,or junk,I'm a little black sheep as my brother use calling me) But the "bad thing" came after lunch,my brother told me he wants to go run,and I was oh okay,no problem I like running. But it was so f*cking hard,like how can my brother run so fast? We were running like for 2 hours,or even more,and I was dying..and I still can't feel my legs,but it was also good,because we were talking about a lot of things,and he have no idea,but I love these our little talks,it means a lot to me,and I'm glad I have him...And he wants me to go run with him even tomorrow,and I really I want to go. Because I came out of my comfort zone today,and it felt so good,and I want to become better at running,because I don't run every single day, I workout with weight,and pilates,and yoga a lot like 6x per week,but I run just for 1-3 days a month and I want to change it....Today I ate a lot,so that run was good way how to burn it of,but I don't feel guilty after a long time :) And I didn't care that I don't have six pack or pretty abs on my belly etc. I accepted I don't have size 2 or 0 and the fact I don't like a supermodel,because even supermodels don't look like a supermodels ;) not everyhing you see have to be the truth..

Nothing to write about

I wish I was an active blogger,but honestly I have no idea what to write about..I have too much thoughts on my mind,but I don't know how to put them down on the paper....My holidays aren't the best,and I'm not doing anything special,most of days I'm home alone,with my dog,and all days are the same,Icook for myself,I'mdoing house work,I for walk with dog,do some workout, I clean up house,and the again cook something,and my dad and mom come back from work (about 5-6pm) and then I do workout again,and have a shower,watch some movie with them and then I go to sleep,I'm bored of this life...I wish I had more money so I could spend my holidys traveling around the world,there are places I would love to visit.. Every year I tell myself THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT. But It is a lie and nothing ever change...
But I think,maybe if I wasn't so scared of unknowing my free time would be much diffenrt,and now I'm thining about spend some of my days in my brother flat,because he lives in the city,and I want to meet one boy who is living there too,but we've never saw each other,we're just chatting..but he is cute....and I think he is really nice,but I'm scared he wouldn't like me...

Feeling huge....

Okay...I already wrote about those bad days,well,today is one of those bad days of mine again...
I,I think,no I know I ate too much today,and I couldn't know how to stop,I mean,breakfast was okay,but then,OMG nightmare,I don't want to be one of those "Pro ana".blogs,and I will never come back to this point,NEVER EVER in my life,it was worst time of my life! I don't get it why people want this illness in their life...It is nothing good,and I will never be fully healthy...
But I want to talk about my day a little,well few last days my tummy hurt so bad I couldn't eat almost anything I ate just those bread cracer
It looks like this,and I haven't eaten these things for ages,and I'm scared because my mom wants me to eat it everyday,but I lost my abs,my belly is one huge pack,I'm pretty upset,because I don't know what to do,I think I wouldn't take it so serious if it was wholemeal,but it was from normal flour,and that scare me a little. My panic attack isn't so big as it used to be,and guilt feeling isn't big too,but anyways I want my pretty flat stomach back,I may take those tummy,muscles stuff too serious,but I was fatass for so long,and then I was skin and bones...I went from one extrem to another one,and now I'm trying to keep my weight,to be healthy,to have muscles,and just be happy with myself,but I think I will take a little while to me to feel comfortable in my own skin,It is like a roller coaster once you are high and then you are down,and my feeling are the same,there are days when I'm one big sun,I'm smiling at everyone,I'm happy,and I don't really care about how I look,I feel good,but then rhere are days like this one (or even worse) and I'm angry and mean and I want to shot everyone to their head becasue I think they are laughing at me how worhless I'm,and how fat,and fat I'm. I know it is somethig unreal for someone,but I just feel it this way...I was thinking today that I won't eat tomorrow becasue I ate too much today,and I don't really know,I know I shouldn't do it,but my tummy hurts again after today,so I don't want  to feel the pain I felt...So yup I won't probably eat tomorrow....And I'm sorry for not being interesting....

And I'm sorry for not being here for a little while....But I didn't feel well...I still don't...but anyways I hope one day I will have body I want...


See you soon guys

Languages

I want to say sorry for my bad english,I know I'm not really good at it,but I'm trying my best.
I will do more tests,more exercise,I'll learn more words,and  awear to you I will get better,and I will improve my english skills. Just have faith in me

Body image and the media

I would love to write something about how  the media can change your Over the past few days, i must admit, i havent felt so good in my body. Ive felt uncomfortable, and not really liking what i saw in the mirror. And everywhen I look I see just "diet" "loose weight fast" "skinny is good" or so,I see those models,reporters,singers,actresses...and I hear the same words in radios too.. I think is bad..
I don't feel comfortable when I hear people around me talking about diet,and how fat they are (when in fact they are thin,and they don't need to change anything)
These medias can change our thinking about our bodies..
Everything with nowadays and media is just wrong...You see? 
Where is the time when Marylin Monroe was synonym of beauty? 
Where is the time when it was okay to be overweight?
Where is the time when no one cares about how your body looks.
I'm asking these questions too often...
I'm really sad to see those girls how they try to have an E.D. likegirls don't be stupid why would you want it? It't living hell,I can tell by myself...

End of school...2 months of holidays...

Well,I was thinking a lot about what should I write today. Well,do you remeber when I was talking about my bad days? So today is one of thoses days....And I'm really critical about myself,about how my body looks,and how my face looks today.. My minds is my worst enemy right now... I feel huge...I KNOW I shouldn' t take it so serious,but I can't help myslef...And I don't know what to do...I do exercise,and eat clean,healthy....but I can't see any change....Everyone around me is in perfect shape,and I feel like I'm doing something wrong...I know there are more importaint things than how much I weight,or how my belly looks like...But Ijust can't help myself...And I'm sorry I always end up thinking about the worst things....I really wish to be a little baby again,no one care about your weight,you ate whatever you wanted to eat. Everyone was your friend. You didn't care about anything and the worst thing that could happend was when your mom forgot to kiss you goodnight or when you didn't watch yor fave fairy tale...I think we all want to grow up so fast that we don't realize what we have right now...We want to be like our older sister or brother,we want to be adults as our parents...But when we are 5 we don't have to care about reality...I miss these old days...I miss everything about being a liitle kid,and to be honest I have no idea what I will do during these 2 months..I want to get in shape finally,I want to start running everyday,no just when there is time or so,I really want to wake up in the morning and go run...I want to lose that belly fat,and have no fat rolls again,and when shool start again I want everyone to day,"OMG you look so good." or something like that..